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Foreign [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] While we take a few moments for people To zoom in if you just want to say hello In the chat and maybe where you're Calling in from we'll just give a minute Or two for other people to to land Um it's kind of nice to see where in the World people are are calling in from uh Good to know that New Jersey's here Things do not go well jersey's not here Same with Austin Germany Boulder Boulder Uh beautiful Toronto Switzerland Uh Oregon Maui Phoenix isn't it interesting that no Matter where in the world we are we we Need we need help with the relationship Amazing even in New Zealand and Maui can You believe that John and Julie even if Not Nelly the people are looking for support Um so good to meet all of you and see All of you British Columbia Um well we're calling in from Marin Which is north of San Francisco I'm Super happy to be here with Cecily thank You again for uh posting with us with me With us yeah my delight it's wonderful To be here and um very very very very Very very excited to introduce Our Guest Uh today uh John and Julie gottman uh
There's so much I could say about them They've written so many books they're World renowned researchers and academics And therapists and they really brought This whole topic to the Limelight which Is just how do we deal with Relationships and how do we make Relationships that are thriving they Have this incredible new book out called The love prescription which if you Haven't looked at it please check it out It summarizes and condenses and just Kind of makes practicals their 40 Years Of research and uh thank you so much for Writing this and thank you so much for Joining us today uh John and Julie very Welcome thank you thanks for inviting us Thank you audience for being with us as Well yeah wonderful So the plan is uh Cecily and I have some questions we want To dive into some of the pieces in the Book uh there will be a time to ask Questions we have a few uh submitted Questions that people submitted I think Some of them wanted to remain anonymous Uh and so we'll we'll bring those topics Up without necessarily having to name Names but there will be a time if you Have a question we'll try to bring in Some questions we probably won't be able To bring in everyone's questions just so You know but we'll do our best and uh I Wanted just to say that again this book Is really really amazing and there was a
Line that jumped out at me and I want to Share that line and see if that Resonates with you all in terms of kind Of the heart of the book And the line says we know from the love Love lab that the best relationships Aren't built on Partners mostly telling One another what is wrong And And knowing that there's a place for Conflict another place where you're not Doing this and I'm upset about this but There's also a place and you talk about So much and that there's a place for Honoring the goodness of each other so I Was wondering if you could say a little Bit about how that came about and if if I'm accurate in that assessment that This book is an attempt to kind of Um strengthen aspects of a relationship That are needed to really sustain a Healthy relationship so I thought that Might be a good place to start well you Know we really discovered that Soren in Our apartment lab where we had 130 Newlywed couples come and spend 24 hours And we followed them for seven years and Just seven years yeah and and the camera Really noticed these small moments of Appreciation that were going on and it Turned out they were really very very Important in the prediction of the Future of the relationship yeah let me Also add that one of the most important
Pieces uh that we write about in the Book extensively is what we call turning Toward and turning toward means when Your partner makes a bid for connection You will respond not necessarily Physically by turning toward them but by Paying attention to them And going ahead with a conversation if That's what they're wanting or listening To their need listening to their Complaints even that Um but doing that instead of Turning Away just ignoring them or turning Against them and giving a hostile remark In response right and we found in the Lab that the successful couples Seven years later turned towards each Other 86 of the time The unsuccessful couples 33 of the time so there's a huge Difference between those and can you Give an example let's say sometimes Somebody might be like honey I would Love to talk to you which is a pretty Clear bid right and sometimes it's like Honey you seem to be very distracted Right now or you seem to be looking at Your phone too much What is turning toward look like in a Situation where sometimes the the bid is Is sweet and lovely and sometimes the Bid has a bit of a frustration with it Okay why don't we role play sure okay so Uh let's see
How you doing sweetie Yeah I don't yeah I'm not having a good Morning you're not no no I woke up on the wrong side of the bed Oh what a bummer yeah that's too bad Yeah Okay pause there for a moment So I'm turning towards him I'm giving Him some conversation Let me also demonstrate what not to do Okay I you know I I had a really bad dream last night And I woke up kind of on the wrong side Of the bed You know So Oh now show you turning against okay all Right uh I kind of woke up on the wrong Side of the bed today I had a really bad Dream last night you know would you stop Interrupting me I'm trying to write an Email Okay turning against right okay so he's Making a bid for connection how about You make a bid for connection with some Frustration in it Okay You know um I'm really needing your Attention this morning because I you Know I woke up on the wrong side of the Bed I really you know I need you not to Be on your phone This morning
Gosh So you're feeling crummy it sounds like Yeah oh well let me put my phone down I'm sorry I was distracted with that You're right A way of saying it that was like Frustrated it is so nice he never did So there's the Curiosity it looks like And there's a even if it doesn't come Across in the way that we would like it There's a curiosity to say tell me more Exactly that's right All right so I have one for you we uh we Read with some interest uh your chapter About date night which is a great story That you tell about how I think it's at The end of the book maybe our eighth Eighth chapter Um you talk about how you were both very Distracted and you're in this very busy Time in your careers and researching and Writing late and just kept growing more And more distant while you're in the Home together and there was just a kind Of a moment you said okay we're gonna Put it all down and we're gonna go out And you tell this beautiful story about Going to the hotel and finding this Luxurious sofa and being dressed up in Your connection time and I think the Notion of date night is something that Couples can grack and adopt relatively Easily there's a lot of nuance in how we Do it but I'm curious about the the the
Time kind of leading up to that the Day-to-day where you don't get a date Night and maybe you have a couple that Is really busy I mean sword and I both Have someone going on all the time with Working projects and kids and we we also Honored date night last night so Interrupt I wanted to talk about this Interview today and she's like no more No Like the wooden thing Getting the hand that's right Julie's Hand yeah Thank you so what's some practical Advice around kind of how you make sure That even when you're not on date night But you're at home how do you not do This you know email on the face thing or Just end up living a parallel Disconnected life because there's so Much other stuff to do all the time do You have rules I have an idea how to Respond to that really comes from our Daughter and son-in-law have this thing They call Micro dates Oh wow they will so they will take you Know like 20 minutes or half an hour and Go on a date at home wow you know they Get it in and they just pretend that They're in a park you know having a Picnic and A micro date Yeah I love you some rules to this right There's some rules to creating a
Container safety camera yeah let me Generalize a little bit more so what Really helps is to have what we call Rituals of connection and rituals of Connection Are Pre-designed little pockets of time that You have together just for the two of You They don't have to belong they can be a Hug when you reunite at the end of the Day or when you wake up in the morning Just saying how was your sleep Just a little tiny little bit of Connection but rituals of connection or Something that you design together so There's many many Alternatives you can Do big rituals of connection like let's Say an overnight every couple of months You can do little tiny ones like I Described with that hug but the key is That you talk about what you want that Little ritual to look like So who's going to initiate it how's the Other person going to respond what's Going to happen in the middle how long Is it going to last where is it going to Happen so let me give you this beautiful Beautiful illustration of something four Very busy couples we knew uh a couple That were incredibly busy they were Academics they were wonderful wonderful People but working all the time getting Grants and so on but
They created a ritual of connection even Though they had three children who were Like seven five and four you know it was Crazy out there but here's what they did They had uh a den that had French doors They would the kids knew that they were Going to have their little ritual of Connection which involved tea so he Would make the tea in the kitchen he Would bring the tea into the den they Would shut the doors the children had Been instructed not to disturb them Unless they were actually dying or Killing one another That usually didn't happen usually and They would sit and just talk about What's on your mind and what's on your Heart And it was so beautiful and they might Do that for 20 minutes maybe a half an Hour then she would pick up the tea tray Take it into the kitchen The tea so they had everything you know Predictably done in a way that they Really could anticipate educated and Look forward to it that's beautiful That's all it takes that's beautiful That is that is a really really good one Yeah um so we're going to open it up to Questions in one moment I wanted to look At this um because I think in the book You talk about there was one particular Thing that I thought was somewhat Sensitive in terms of ask for what you
Need and I just wanted to touch on that Because I feel like I sometimes with Cecily well just tell me what you need And sometimes it's like well I have been Telling you And so uh so so I just wanted to address This because sometimes people feel like Like to spell it out or not spell it out Or what what qualifies as asking for What you need Um so John please so one of the things We've made available to all your viewers And participants today is a free app That we have right App Store uh if they Type in gotten and card decks they can Download this free app it has 14 Different card decks one of them is Asking for what you need expression Express your needs yeah and you can go Through these cards on your phone and Pick three uh you can pick three that You really want from your partner uh This week okay so great virtual Connection is to spend 20 minutes a week Week just going through that card deck And saying here's what I really want From you this week and then you can Check check up on it and another virtual Connection we call the state of the Union meeting I'm not going to talk about that because The understanding that the partner Should do their very best to meet that Need or is it just to hear that I have a
Need for this or how does that let's Slow down a little bit so there's really A key to how to express your need so a Lot of people will wait and wait and Wait because they've been taught they're Not entitled to have any needs met right We most of us don't come from perfect Families and when we have busy parents Or parents who are preoccupied We may not get any needs heard and that Is tough so we hold the needs inside Until there's so much resentment that Then comes out as criticism something Like you wouldn't think to do the dishes Would you you're too lazy you know Something like that which the partner I Don't think is going to jump into the Kitchen and do the dishes So here's the formula that we saw the Most successful couples do they started With I feel so they're describing their Self they're not describing their Partner just themselves I feel some emotion I feel angry Frustrated sad lonely Um stressed about what now the key is What Not Who but what so the what is the Situation I'm angry that there's a new Dent in the car I'm upset that the Kitchen is a mess I'm bad that the kids Were picked up late again Hear that not you you you but what's the Situation Then Express the need and then if you
Want to express as a positive need if You can so a lot of us think you know Stop doing this stop doing that that's a Negative need flip it on its head and Say what you do need that would help Your partner to shine for you Yeah it's going to be much more eager to At least listen uh and try to fulfill That need I love the way that you've spoken to All of our social and cultural baggage Around needs and wants that was like Like almost tear-jerking to read it's so True that we we're just not we don't Live in a world where that's accepted That's sort of a It's almost a sign of a weakness or Right Real tragedy so thank you for opening That up one of the questions that came In was is it okay to say you seem angry And and does that are worth the place For I statements versus you statements And I don't know if you both the Question was like it's like I want to go To my partner and say you seem angry Because that's my experience but that uh I don't know if it's a male or female Asking the question but that that was One of the questions that came in yeah It's not a great thing to do Um because it makes you sound like you Know the partner better than they know Themselves
So it's it can be heard it may not this May not be the intention but it can be Heard as condescending yeah got it so a Better way of saying that is Honey I don't know you know I'm sensing some Tension in the room is something going On for you Right oppose it as a question is Something going on for you who's better He's the partner tons of space to really Describe their own feelings and you know Most of us are not mind readers so don't Be surprised you'll hear something a Little different than what you assumed Great thank you So maybe we'll I know we have uh Sunita And Rana who are going to come in and Ask a question they also had a submitted A early question uh Alex can we find Them thanks Jenny Dash nice and uh is Rana in the house Are you fine voila all right hey hi There hi Ron you're here live with uh John and Julie so we'll pass it over to You Would you like to ask the question Yeah I am just oh yeah there we go sorry Um I am so excited to be here thank you John and Julie and shuffling All of you are just amazing examples of Um you know what what we aspire to and In relationships and to be in relation With others um our question we were
Thinking about you know what's what's The most burning there's so many things We could tackle and one we've been Feeling recently we are Um together we are our new parents to a One-year-olds now he's actually um you Know so we've gone through the the the The the the toughest Parts maybe but Maybe more to come so Um one of one of the things that's come Up for us as new parents is Um you know going into the experience of Parenting we could talk in hypothetics And we could you know feel aligned on Values and approaches and that we Thought we we you know that we both Believe in and and I think in general Run and I both feel like we're by values Aligned as a couple but it was really Interesting to go through the experience Of parenting Um a child and baby especially you know Sleep training I think was one that is Like a very clear example that came up Where it surfaced different values and That could be because Um culturally we have different Backgrounds you know just personally we Are different people Um which which you know happened and When it comes to navigating so those That's like one example where things got Super heated for us and in those moments It felt really hard to kind of um
Figure out how to align because when it Came down to it it was like this really Hard different you know difference of Value Um and so I guess our question and Rana Feel free to augment any of this but our Question has to do with what do we do in These cases where it comes down to this Like hard question of values how do we Navigate that and get back to a place Where we can Um we don't feel stuck Do you want to add anything wrong Uh no I'm okay yeah Yeah Well you know the the best thing to do Um we think uh is an exercise we call The Dream Within conflict exercise and In that there are six questions that go Very very deep one of you asks each Question without bringing up your own Point of view and then listens to your Partner's answer Then ask the next question listens to Your partners answers so one of you is The listener who asked the questions all The way through one through six and the Speaker really uh Dives deep inside Themselves really reflect on the meaning Of their position on this issue So the questions involve values beliefs Ethics that's the first one that each of You details for the other in what's Important to you
Secondly how about the childhood Background or history So you're asked to address how does your Childhood or personal history Relate to how you feel about this issue What your position is on this issue then You're asked questions about your Feelings why this is so important to you Is there an ideal dream here you know That would you know if you could shape The world of this child and the two of You in any way you wanted what would it Look like and finally what is an Underlying purpose is there one way down Deep and underlying purpose for you in Having this particular position that's Yours honored To have that position honored so when You go deep like this what can happen is You you create you give seeds of more Compassion between you and you grow Those seeds by explaining at the deepest Heart level you can who are you Regarding this issue And typically when your new parents who Has time for that kind of conversation Is very awkward because it takes time Right and you switch roles after one Person is the listener then you switch Roles the other one is the listener so Hopefully at the end of that you've Reached more understanding and more Compassion of each other's positions Then you work on compromise
And compromise again we have a a cool Little exercise that we do for that as Well that involves a little bit of Writing first On a blank page each of you creates two Concentric circles big ones like a bagel Or a donut And in the center circle you put Your core need for your core dream that Is so important to you that if you gave It up You would be losing the bones of your Body that's how important it is to you So in the Inner Circle you write down Whatever that is that is so Central to Who you are then Around the Outer Circle you write what You're more flexible about And more flexibility often involves kind Of The Facts of a compromise things like When something will happen where for how Long who will do it how will it start How will it end Um those are the kind of things you can Think about in terms of flexibility Share the the writing with each other What you wrote and then talk about what Are your common goals did you see any Where do your flexible areas overlay Can you perhaps generate even an Experiment a temporary compromise from Where those flexible areas overlap while Honoring each other's dreams That's that's how you deal with a
Conflict like that How's that sitting with you guys [Music] Rhonda anything you want to add or or Say yeah no I like it I like the way That it allows each of us to share What's most what's coming up most for us That make sure that we each hear each Other and then we get to say that the Other person receives Um without quickly you know say I want To jump in and say well here's what I Think but no it's actually time to Listen to hear what city to thinks and And where her heart goes so I really Like that and then Um you know the the bagel I like Bagels Over Donuts so I'll say bagel Um Um I can Envision that as well and each And and Um you know I feel optimistic that we Have a number of things that overlap Um and I think it's it is but I do still Wonder about that next step of the Actual compromise when it comes to Something like uh see the reference sort Of some of the the parenting stuff Around you know like it's sleep training So anyone with kids is you know probably Has navigated some form of sleep Training Um in their day and that can be an area That you know multiple approaches
Um Can can work and sometimes a single Approach can work so it's a they're They're I sometimes wonder what the compromise Is Um in situations like that and so I have More curiosity over it but I like the First two steps I really like yeah Do you want to say anything about sleep Training Well um you know a lot really depends on Your philosophy Um the research literature really Suggests that Um Whether you use sleep training that is Gradual Um you know where you're responding to The babies crying but then you wait Longer to respond and gradually move Away is as effective as the sort of Going cold turkey and not responding and Uh in terms of the outcome for the baby It doesn't really matter uh very much as Long as you're providing a secure base For the baby in other ways uh attachment Doesn't doesn't really change very much Uh there's also sleep training where It's really an attachment based sleep Training again you know that is as Effective as as the other one so it Depends a lot on what feels comfortable For you I know for us Um the Ferber approach of going cold
Turkey and not responding to the babies Crying we couldn't do it we were crying Ourselves You know and we you know we sort of went Well philosophically what does it mean What are we telling our baby when we Don't respond to it's crying and we felt Like really telling the baby that There's nobody there Suit them when they're upset so we Didn't feel comfortable with that Approach and uh and so as a result you Know we had uh much longer time years of The baby being in our bed uh or you know Right next to us we should say that your Children still sleep with you though Right we should mention that I mean yeah He's 32 and she's still I mean we should Just say that now Right so a lot depends on you know he's Sort of your emotional Uh makeup and your cultural history and So on as to what works in terms of Outcomes For the baby it doesn't seem to make a Lot of difference that's kind of most Experts reading of the research so it's Really the process and uh you know what Process feels better for you In terms of how you naturally respond to An infant that's distressed So you know almost any solution will Will work in terms of outcomes you want To add something yeah and one thing that
Really influenced me was a book called The Continuum concept Uh which was out I don't know maybe 35 40 years ago something like that uh and One point it made which really struck me Was that two-thirds of the world sleeps With their kids Two-thirds of the world that's a lot of People right Um and what's wrong with that Well obviously intimacy you have to do It somewhere else but yeah so you get Creative that's okay until your child Really wants to be on their own be Independent and uh so I felt very very Comfortable with her I made a nest next To me so she wasn't actually in the bed She was in her nest But she could reach her hand up and take She needed it uh and boy I just love That and created a very special secure Bond I think for us even though I was a Working mom and so on so but it's up to You guys right as to what works for you So there's an interesting follow-up in The chat which which kind of broadens The question a little bit which is so So when there isn't an opportunity to Work towards a compromise and it's a Very black and white decision such as Whether or not we have another baby or Circumcision or even to take it out of Parenting Do we sell or buy a home or move out of
This country like these big brightline Decisions do you have similar guidance For how a couple can navigate That kind of a challenge yeah I mean Those are are ones that we see all the Time and we use the same method actually Um I'll give you an example This was a couple who was getting ready For retirement And uh they lived in the state of Washington and they were really Gridlocked on what they were going to do During their retirement and what he Wanted to do is to sell their house and Buy a sailboat and just The sunset you know classic dream but he Was really serious about it he studied Sailing was a great sailor just really Wanted to do that okay so what did she Want to do listen to this so she had a Farm that had been in her family for Over a century so it's called a century Farm and she wanted to take the place Her place in the legacy of her ancestors And live on the farm too and where's the Farm located Iowa All right so how do you stand we like to Stay together and they wanted to stay Together And so how do you sail around the world Right I mean it's like impossible so Here was the Compromise they came up With the compromise was They would sell their house they both
Wanted to do that and His dream would go first they would take One year and sail as far as they could For one year After that year they put the boat up on Dry Dock and they'd go to Iowa and They'd live in Iowa for an entire year And then after two years decide what Made them so so you can do stuff like That but then again I had a couple given Geography again where she was in Switzerland she had a son who was on the Spectrum of autism and he had quite a Support system in Switzerland and her Partner was in Ghana Now does Ghana have the same support That they offer in Switzerland no way So she wanted a in Switzerland and he Really wanted to return to his homeland He had practiced medicine and give Medicine to his fellow country people How did they solve that one well Wasn't a solution They you know she could not leave her Son came first she was going to stay in Switzerland he was going to go to Ghana Stay in Ghana they didn't want to have a Long distance relationship so they ended Up breaking up but at least they Understood the reasons why they broke up And so there weren't any ill feelings Because they did this exercise and each One understood the ideal for their Partner it's beautiful beautiful
Thank you guys anything else uh Run in Sunita before we we move on to Another another uh question any uh final You could have another kid too and then One would get Choice with one yeah I think that's the right way to think About compromise yeah Thank you so much really appreciate it Thank you so much Um there was do you want to ask the Question that came in true okay Um okay one of the so we gave people an Opportunity to send questions in advance And one of the questions that came in Was how do you manage insecurity and Jealousy regarding your partner's prior Relationships That's a good one so uh first of all Um You don't describe your partner you Describe yourself right so loosely Speaking what that means is you don't Come home from a party and say there you Were again flirting with that guy I just Can't believe it how come you were doing That I was really mad Don't do that Instead you describe yourself You come home from the party and you say Honey I felt so insecure at the party God I just couldn't get Beyond these Feelings of jealousy inside me and I Felt really afraid that I don't know You'd find somebody else more attractive
Than me I was really scared can you Please give me some reassurance that you Love me Um That's how you do it that's beautiful That's beautiful I see there's a number Of hands up um what if we start with uh Sarah Sarah's been waiting a long time And just so you know if you're asking a Question you are live and this is going To be seen by lots of people not just Here but it'll be posted and things so Just so you know Sarah um ask her a Friend if you want ask for a friend if You want yeah All right let's see it looks like you'll Be asked to unmute all right hey Everybody welcome thank you so much I Have two questions and I'll make them Very brief Um one is on the bid for connection Um there's someone in my life they they Bid for connection frequently Honey look at this on TV oh my god look Outside oh I'm reading this great book Oh I want to talk to you and it's like How do you like I and I'm very much like That both the bitter so I end up doing That to people too but I recognize like Sometimes I can't always meet their need For connection or people can always meet Mine so when do we know like we're still Turning towards mostly but there are Times when we need to say no or I need
To do this or whatever that's one Question the other question is about I Love the reason wait wait wait wait wait Remember we're both really old we won't Remember So answer to the first question is that Uh you can say something like this Honey I wish I had the time uh to listen Right now and to connect with you but I'm feeling under a lot of pressure to Get such and such done so can we connect A little later today Boom you set a boundary so you're doing It with love right I wish I could but I Can't Yeah awesome thank you and um the other One is around setting up the rituals With your partner I love that and I Operate that way but I can hear in my Head even with siblings or friends Oh that's so regimented I like to be Spontaneous can't we just let it happen And then it's like you're trying to Control things too much all these Judgments where it's like that does Create Stability security this assurance that This is going to happen and this is Exactly how it's gonna happen that makes My whole nervous system drop and just be Like ah so how to deal with the new Singers Oh God that's so wonderful what a great Question do you want to answer that or
So I you know I think that uh you have To talk about uh how much spontaneity You really want And I think you can I think you can in a Way you know plan for spontaneity as Well Um and remember we had uh we responded To our daughter saying I hate Sunday Because all I do is homework And I just hate Sunday so we started This thing where we would just get in Line for some ferry in Seattle and Without any planning because get on the Ferry and see where it took us and we Did that every Sunday for about two Months and then our you know our Daughter really felt like she was heard And we had a lot of fun on beaches and In antique stores and coffee houses you Know exploring all kinds of places And built that in but we also then went Back to homework on Sunday also so you Know I think you can you can do both you Can have the sort of times that are You know about that you can look forward To uh And you know create those traditions in Your relationship we have an annual Honeymoon that we do Uh every summer we've gone back to the Same bed and breakfast for 22 years We bring our kayak and we ask each other Three questions in in those two weeks we Ask each other what did you love about
Last year what did you hate about last Year what do you want next year to look Like and we really go over the year and You know and really make changes you Know that appropriate so that's our Annual honeymoon but you might Spontaneity is also something that you Need in a relationship you know one Thing I would also suggest is that Um it sounds like somebody whoever it is Um responds to your ideas for a ritual Of connection with a lot of criticism That's so regimented you're so Regimented you're so controlling blah Blah blah you know that's that's what They're really saying and so you need to Make a repair there you need to jump in And say You know I'm really feeling defensive Right now Feeling put down uh would you mind Asking for what you want in a different Way well Um so try and get the conversation back On track because when you've got that Criticism operating between you then You're inevitably going to feel Defensive become more entrenched in your Position the other person will become Likewise and boom you know you're off And running so make a repair like that I'm feeling defensive or that kind of Felt like an insult can you say that Another way
Yeah and I love how this is highlighting That idea of compromise as well that you Just spoke about so we can do both we Can be spontaneous and can we have some Rituals so thank you Yeah thanks Sarah take care Um and I might there's a lot in the love Prescription too if you get a chance to Read it there's a lot of practical Things there and I think um before we Ask another question also it might be Nice to tell people about gottman Connect real quick Which I know is coming out yeah so Um some of you may know that uh over the Last I don't know 35 years or so uh John And I have created well John really Created a whole assessment system Uh where a couple could Through a process find out what the Strengths in their relationship are and What the challenges are then we created A lot of interventions based on what Successful couples do all right so we Decided that we didn't want to only Offer this learning to people who had Money you know who could pay for therapy Who could go and go to workshops we Decided to democratize our system And so what we did is we piled up with Very very old friend of ours who used to Work at Microsoft and he brought in a Few Geniuses along the way which was Very nice and
Um We created a software platform that People can access at home it's called Gottman connect and on it you can get Yourself a full assessment of your Relationship just like John and his Colleagues used to do in the lab in the Research lab you can have the same thing Very very simply with a lot of clicks on The computer but it's very simple and You'll get a full on assessment of your Relationship In about I don't know maybe 20 seconds Something like that it happens very fast And you will also receive Recommendations and links to one or many Of 39 different modules that we created And each module contains a little video You know just a couple minutes so John And I explaining this particular portion Of the relationship Giving you an exercise that has text Instruction That can strengthen your relationship in This particular area and then Um uh video of John and I role playing The wrong way to do it how we can Sabotage it and the right way to do it And believe me we had a lot of fun doing It wrong because we've had so much Practice doing it wrong so Um and they cover everything they cover How to strengthen romance how to Strengthen passion and sexuality how to
Deal with conflicts how to deal with Little problems huge problems how to Build compromise Um how to create shared meaning deeper In the relationship so Tons of exercises that you can access Just by uh going to gottman connect Beautiful thank you and what a beautiful Service thank you for making sure that That happened in the world and that was Disseminated in that way that's Beautiful do it all on your phone Yeah meet people where they're at right John yeah Phone computer tablet anything we have a There's an active chat numerous people Highlighting that says um uh from one of Our people says how do you get to the Truth of something with a partner who's A pleaser and says what they think you Want to hear which may or not may or may Not be the truth And uh a lot of people seem to be Thinking that the that they resonate With that so I don't know if there's any Thoughts around Um hearing people and how to respond When we feel like maybe they're not Being the most genuine yeah Um a wonderful way to respond if you're Picking up that your partner isn't uh Really being genuine is to ask them a Question Um the question being something like are
You feeling a little bit nervous about Really telling me what you think Is that difficult for you And hopefully they'll say yeah you know You're not trying to shame that so if They say yes you follow up with can you Help me understand that are you afraid I'm going to judge you or you know What's happening inside you When I ask you a question and I really Sincerely do want your honest answer What's happening inside you so just like Am I doing something would you ask that Would you say am I is there something I'm doing that maybe makes it important Yeah sure beautiful that's a wonderful Question be well We have uh we have a number of hands up I'm going to jump over to Rishi actually If you wanna Join us here we'll prompt you to unmute And then you can ask away So yeah All right there we go are you live oh Welcome Rishi where are you calling from If you don't mind I'm calling from San Francisco California All right uh it's great to be here I Have to say I love this book Um yeah thank you my fiance and I we Went through this uh in our first year Of dating and and you know the lessons Of it are probably worth reminding Ourselves about well at least in my case
Reminding myself about like two years or Three years or five years down into a Relationship you know and I think it's a Really valuable book uh but my question Is around Um you know gridlock like you talk in Chapter two of the book about how Gridlock can be you know pretty adverse On a relationship and then if gridlock Is followed by a tough life circumstance You know it could be raising a child it Could be uh you know Getting hit by a car while you walk Across passing crosswalk in San Francisco which by the way is a true Story Um you know that can that can result in Uh exacerbating that initial gridlock And making it a little bit hard to to Solve it but I think once you know There's effort to solve the gridlock There's definitely Some you know loss of intimacy and some Core negative images that have been Formed you know on both sides and how do We Work towards busting those core negative Images and then also restoring intimacy After that period So here comes another intervention You're getting them all Um so we have an intervention again it's On gottman connect and everywhere else It's called the aftermath of a
Regrettable incident And what I'm assuming you mean and I Should really check this receipt is how Can you get those negative images out of Your head well also the negative words Um of bad fights right that you've had In the past yeah Yes that is correct yeah okay so a lot Of people have that and they don't know How to process those regrettable Incidents and what we've learned from Other research is that until you fully Process an incident uh a really bad Fight just that fight not the pattern of What's said throughout fights but just That one fight until you fully process It you're gonna it'll stick in your head Constantly you'll ruminate about it so You've got to fully process it so we Created this exercise that has five Parts to it and the first part is too Long to describe all the detail but you Each describe your feelings by picking Feelings off a list the feelings you had During the incident you each name those Secondly you describe one at a time While your partner takes notes you Describe your narrative from the Beginning to the end what happened During this fight but you do it without Criticism without playing so it sounds Like I saw you walk into the kitchen I Thought you had an angry look on your
Face I imagined you were really mad at Me then I felt really scared I followed You into the living room I heard you say Hear all the eyes That's all of your perception so you're Describing your perception so don't Shift into and you said this mean thing Never works So that's step two step three you look At your feelings in terms of something That may have gotten triggered for you Triggers are feelings that come from Before this relationship So see if you can identify any triggers And say something about where they may Have gotten started step four you Finally start taking responsibility for Your part in this incident and you Apologize and we have a format for that Now notice how late the apology happens Apologies do not work if you say I'm Sorry right off the bat they're not Going to work because you don't know the Impact of what happened on your partner So you don't know what you're Apologizing for That's why we leave it to step four and Finally in step five you talk about how Can we avoid this from happening again Yeah nice long process and you can Access that actually with lots of video To show you how to do it uh on Government connect Yeah best of luck
Um you know we only have a few minutes John and Julian I know that you've been Doing this work for so many years and Thank you for doing this work and it Also seems like just recently Well one the last book was on New York Times bestseller list I think for Numerous weeks do you have a sense that There's like more and more interest Emerging on terms of how we make healthy Relationships and what do you what do You base that on is I think was it covid Are things just really bad are we what's Your sense of this new or arising it Seems to be interesting curiosity about Relationships it's interesting covid has Had a big impact on All of us and we you know a lot of us Are sort of reassessing the priorities In our life And you know if the relationship was Going well Before covid we had a time we had time To really connect or encode it and that We didn't travel as much we'd work as Hard we work from home and we saw how Important the relationship was if it Wasn't going well then you know we again Saw the consequences of of an ailing Relationship and so how important it was To fix that so I think in both cases People came out of the pandemic really Wanting to have relationships be much More Central and in our lives which we
Agree with that yeah I totally agree With that I think the other maybe Another piece of this is that you know People continue to get divorced and now Uh the Millennials you know are marrying Uh maybe or not they may be yes right or Choosing not to partner at all and uh Gen X's are doing the same gen wise you Know so Um The young people in our culture have Many of them have grown up with divorce Right and one of the long-term potential Effects of divorce on children is that It makes them afraid to really commit Into a marriage or a steady relationship They're afraid the same thing will Happen to them So they want to know how to avoid that Thus they're looking at the books In the 50s there was so little divorce Because women weren't working women were Financially independent on men but women Have built careers more and more over The decades it's another reason uh some Women are earning more if they're in a Heterosexual relationship than a man and That can create tension uh never used to See that hardly at all so Um it's a tough world yeah I think in General there's I suppose every Generation sees this There's so much stress in the world now With climate change with political
Polarization with everything else where Does the stress go Right here right close to your partner Right and you don't want that so People want to know how to do it well It's beautiful Anyone else if we're just at the end of The the end of the hour any final Thoughts blessings uh uh we we have the Gottman's connect I know is a wonderful Way to stay connected uh the last book Is called the love prescription anything Any other thoughts before we close up uh This time and thank you again for taking The time Yeah you know I just want to thank all Of you I mean you are the ones that Soren was just asking about in terms of Really wanting to have a beautiful dream Of a relationship And that is so important today you are Working on creating more love in the World and why do we need it so thank you Thank you thank you for listening in uh And I hope you enjoyed it uh so much Thank you so we're going to let Everybody unmute themselves let's see And we can say some blessings and Goodbyes any and all languages are Welcome so you can go to gallery view And uh thank you all sorry we couldn't Get to every question but thank you all For your presence and your care All right thanks everyone
What about Um Be well take care Stay well soon thank you
